Merry Christmas

 

"Merry Christmas" words that have always excited me from childhood through adulthood, yet this year these word have signified panic. Have you ever tried so hard to be positive and keep things "normal" that you make yourself sick? I pray multiple times a day, love what Christmas signifies the Birth of our Savior, I go to church 1-2 x a week, I teach my kids about the Glory of God and Read the Bible- but being the human I am I can't shake this overwhelming feeling of pure exhaustion.

I walk around everyday Thankful for all I have, hurting for those suffering,  loving Jesus and full of smiles, yet this weight is sitting on my chest and I can't shake it. Such a REAL feeling and it's not going away.

My 2.5 year old happy baby boy is about to undergo his 4th surgery that will result in him not being able to eat, speak or physically play.  He will be separated from his brothers, his home and his dad and left with a Mother that wants nothing more than his Health and Happiness yet has no idea how to provide either.

I have no idea what anyone is getting for Christmas, haven't even begun to think about packing for five weeks, still don't know who is watching the older boys for the 26th and 27th of December, and I have 2 older boys melting down anytime I walk out the door in fear that I am leaving for 5 weeks. My 6 year old comes in our room every night, my 8 year old cries when you look at him the wrong way and my 2 year old has not a clue that his world is about to change. This doesn't even include all the change occurring at work and the preparation I still need complete in 2.5 days prior to my leave.

 Merry Christmas!!!

 

I am trying to do everything right, but what if I fail? So many people relying on me to do what's best. How do I know what that is? Am I really the adult?

 

Wow, as I am writing Joe just came out from bed and said that the money Grandpa sent from Arizona he wants to give to Wyatt for his surgery (after he gets some Pokémon cards). He said the money could help the hospital or the Ronald McDonald House help Wyatt. He is continuing to talk about how we keep telling him how important Giving is and this year he wants to GIVE to Wyatt. Did we raise this young man?  What a heart, is GOD giving me a message of reassurance just as I write out in distress?

 

Last week I traveled to Cincinnati for a series of preoperative appointments. It was a long day that started with the Aero Digestive team that offered suggestions on new foods to try, food to avoid and articulated what is actually happening with the food Wyatt is eating. He doesn't chew, just swallows whole and this is how he compensates and why he often chokes. They also let us know that he will need to learn to eat all over again after the distractor is removed. So we will have more visits. They suggested straws over Sippy cups to avoid aspiration.

He had a chest x-ray, met with the Pulmonologist that will be joining the ENT and Plastic Surgeon in the surgery to help monitor his airway. Lastly we met with anesthesia to discuss his airway complications during surgery and the precautions they take, which was very reassuring. They also explained that I would be able to carry Wyatt into the operating room and hold him as they put him under and that he would most likely be on a breathing tube for a day or more following the surgery to be sure his breathing is regulated and during this time he will be in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit and once it is removed he will be moved to a the regular floor. His surgery is scheduled for 6am on Friday December 27th. The good news is we called the Ronald McDonald house and they seem to think we can get in right away even though we won't know for sure till the 25th since unlike us most people try to go home for the holiday's. LOL

 

Dear God-

 

Thank you so much for providing for our family and continuing to lead us on the right path. Please place your hands on our shoulders as a family as we all will be experiencing change and stress and desperately seek the peace only you can provide. Please help me to take things day by day and when the walls are closing in, please help me take it minute by minute. Please continue to remind me NO FEAR just FAITH and BELIEVE in you alone. Thank you for communicating and reassuring me every step of the way. Please look after Tony, Wyatt and I as we travel next week. Please look after the older boys and all those that are helping to take care of them for the first week. Please fill their hearts with Love. Look after and guide the surgeons taking care of Wyatt and help Wyatt to be without FEAR. May your will be done. Let us not loose sight that we are rejoicing and celebrating your birth. Praise be to you alone.

 

Amen

 

Lastly, I feel is so important to note that our hearts are full of gratitude to all of you who have helped in so many ways. We are always amazed and humbled. Many times this last week we have been brought to our knees in praise and thanks. I have learned to never doubt and only TRUST we are grateful to have all of you in our lives and we truly wish each and everyone of you and your families a MERRY CHRISTMAS! God Bless you.

 

Love,

Tony, Melissa, Joe, Noah and Wyatt

 

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