Awhile back I began speaking to a member at work, we would see each other often and started with hello's , eventually talking a little more about our families and work. Nothing major but what was a quick 1 minute chat would often be 5 minutes or more. This individual was having a hard time with one of her children who was not following direction and an in-law that was trying to tell her how to parent. I would listen and empathize and one day fairly recently she snapped back at me and said, "you have no idea, you live the perfect life." I stood there for a quick moment, not knowing how to respond. Nobody has ever told me I live the perfect life. I quickly responded with "I have been blessed" and wished her a good day.
This is something that has been with me since and I can't seem to shake. "The Perfect Life". Is she speaking of the glamorous job I have that consumes me everyday of the week day and night. Is she referring to the 5 beautiful children that I have that were once removed from their home and their parents that we had to fight for 3 months and tear through any savings we had and rely on friends and family in order to prove our innocence. The kids that are now in therapy, and probably will be for the rest of their lives so they can make sense of what happened and not fear the very system that is set to protect us. Maybe she was referring to the endless hours I have had the pleasure of sitting in the hospital waiting for my boys to get out of surgery or wondering if Wyatt would be able to eat, hear, see, walk or speak. It could be the moment I watched my 6 week old baby code at the hospital as doctors and nurses came rushing in to revive him. The hours spent online finding the best Doctors and educating myself on all we had ahead of ourselves medically.Perhaps she was speaking of my amazing marriage to my best friend that is coming up on 19 years. The marriage that right now consists of a lot of morning chaos getting 5 kids to 4 schools within 90 minutes, followed by an evening of passing each other in a brief moment as we take kids to sports games, therapy, school concerts or the hand offs between Doctors appointments and IEP's. By the time the evening ends after baths, homework, and bedtime routines we are both so tired to speak- so we sit in silence only to digest the day, go to sleep and do it again tomorrow. It could be her speaking of my amazing body that I have struggled my whole life with , trying anything and everything to be healthy but more then anything vowing to raise my boys to live and be healthy so they wouldn't struggle or be made fun of through there school years as I was through mine. I am sure she wasn't speaking of the fact that I never experienced grief, as I have watched two very important women in my life die unexpectedly at very young ages and as a result my children missed out on an amazing busia. it surely can't be the 4 years between 13-17 that I have completely blocked from my mind due to an unimaginable trauma, that sends goose bumps up my spine even thinking about and still wakes me in cold sweats.
The Perfect Life- I have pondered this for weeks now with anger as you can probably read above. Then it hit me, she is speaking of the Life that despite everything I wrote above, I live. I make a choice EVERYDAY to live that life. She saw exactly what I want her to see, exactly what I want my kids and family to see. Exactly what I work hard at everyday. Making a conscious effort to wake up with a smile on my face, love in my heart and a skip in my step. She saw pictures of me and my kids at the zoo, getting ice cream, or having scooter races. She saw the pride I have when my son got the game ball, or Joshua finally spoke his first word at age 3. She saw the genuine love and admiration I have for my husband and the choice he has made to be with my boys EVERYDAY when they get home from school. She saw the loyalty I have for a company I have worked for the last 12 years that has allowed me the opportunity to be a mom and a professional and supported me along the way. She heard my very genuine love for everyday that we are blessed to live and the undying Faith that I have in God and his ability to care for our every need.
The truth is I work very hard to live this "Perfect Life" because I believe it is important despite all the imperfections, that we focus on the good. That we remember EVERYONE has a story but we all have the ability add to and edit our story. It's when we let the story write itself and we get consumed in the life that we lose ourselves and our ability to focus on what's truly important. You can go down a rabbit hole that becomes impossible to get out of or you can get up everyday ready to do it again. The Truth is I am tired, so very tired. My heart hurts for so many reasons and tears flow pretty regularly from my eyes. There are days I drive home and want to take a different turn and runaway- but I don't because I have "The Perfect Life".
I am a mom of 5 AMAZING boys that make me smile any second I think about or see them. I am the wife to a husband that no matter what happens, he will be there to hold me or listen to me and after 19 years he is still the person I want to go out with at the end of the day. I have had the honor and the privileged to work with kids and adults over the last 12 years that I have watched grow up and many call my friends. I have had the opportunity to speak to students over the last few years about what it means to chose kind and I have had the opportunity to help me others who in their darkest hours couldn't find a reason- find a reason. I have been able to talk about what FAITH is not by quoting scripture or preaching gospel but by telling real life stories on how GOD has impacted our lives and transformed my definition of HOPE. I have the absolute honor to walk out of my house everyday with my head held high knowing I am living "The Perfect Life"- A Blessed Life but please know I understand. I understand what loss is, I understand injustice, I understand Fear, I understand sickness, I understand trauma, I understand emptiness, I understand uncertainty, I understand anxiety, I understand struggles, I have questioned, I have been angry and I understand sadness. I choose happiness. I choose the perfect life.
